He talks way too much, I talk way too much and between us we do nothing but talk in circles, most of the time. Im so confused about it all, I dont know why or what or where or when. I talk and talk and to be honest, I dont think I have said anything much at the end of it.

His presense pulls words from my core before my mind is ready to deal with them, not that I dont mean them, just that I am not quiet ready to deal with them or the implications of what they may bring. Something else worried me, I do not want to be the person in the way. I can see it coming and it just makes me want to quit while I am ahead and well before this becomes a mess...but I can't.

The whole confide in me thing, I dont know why that scares me so much either, I can hear it from anyone and everyone and never have a problem..but in the end I am the listener, Im not the talker. Some of his words stung a little, and I am not sure how or even if I can be that vulnerable. I have you, my book..where I confide and release and to an extent, though I know I have to guard my words, I can let go. Who knows, maybe with time, maybe I stop relying on the book to deal with my churning thoughts.

I lost it yesterday, things..Im not the most level headed person, nor am I the most patient and giving, I am not sure I was cut out to be a leader at all, though they seem to have faith in me. There are so many demands upon my time, so many thigs I have to deal with...every other message is something new..some..thing, I have to fix or answer or..something. Which is great, I love helping and I love that people trust me to do that, I do. I wouldnt change it for the world. I love seeing a smile where moments before was a frown.

Yesterday I just, I just had no reserve, I wasnt ready for drama, I couldnt deal with it and Emmy, poor poor Emmy. She totally didnt deserve me to unleash on her like that. I should never have projected my stress like that, threatened to dump it all on her. Gods I am so ashamed of myself...and before you start, because being the nosey roguess you are, I know you will look, it wasnt right...I shouldnt have and I am sorry. You are my officer, my girl, my friend, I love you and I am sorry. I know what it's like to have someone release like that, and I should never have caused you that stress, Im so sorry. I dont dish it, I take it...Im ashamed.

Done is done, now we move on, the guild moves on; and if I dont pick myself up they cannot pick themselves up. He left, it's over...I have to act like a leader and stop fretting about it. So with focus on the party, which..Im starting to really look forward to. The guild are great with ideas, they shock me with their level of imagination and it should be fun, fresh and new. I am curious, very curious, to see how it plays out...almost done

Bah humbug

We danced in the shadows, they are far more revealling than they pretend to be. I didnt want to force the words from him, thats not how I expected it. I think he was frustrated with me eventually; and yes, I am more than stubborn sometimes. Yes it's scary, how can it not be, especially when we both have such jaded pasts, such a trail of destruction, well me at least, I know little to nothing of him, as is per usual.

Taking full responsibility for something is hard work, at least when you actively try to be responsible about it. While I carried no title over it I was just the nagging enchantress, now, everytime I make a suggestion I feel like a dictator. Everytime I am forced to do something "for the good of the guild" UGH, what a pile of absolute tripe. Don't get me wrong, we run this guild together, all of us..without Emmy and Trip I would be more than lost thats for sure. They are all so involved, when they get time to be awake they share and give their views, help and talk...I couldnt ask for more from them, I am blessed to have a family of such amazing people. At some point though, decisions have to come to someone, and it makes you the bearer of both great and bad ideas. I worry, I worry about becoming a leader and not a friend. I dont want my family to stop seeing me as family, and I dont want to be pushy and....ARGH. Ok, my mind is in turmoil about it at the moment, I am the only remaining founding member in the guild, as upset as I am that Tus left, I still hold that piece of anger inside that he left me, selfish huh?

We've almost finished preperations for the party, I still have to poke Bryggy ..um I mean beg and plead. Trip already spoke to Skye, see what I mean? Lil genious, and Emmy had more ideas about decortaing than I could ever have asked for.

Im still trying. I think, yes, I think I am...maybe, I dont know. Something anyway, Im sure.

So, theres a guild event, will be anyway..somtime soon. It'll be fun, lots to do..just got to get the officers together and sort out the last pieces, and annoy Bryggy into putting on some fireworks for me. Maybe see if I can persuade the beautiful Skyelark into a little entertainment.

Um, Im sure theres more...mentoring, yes, thats fun. Lots of new adventurers and that stuff. Trip is off galavanting somewhere I think, havent seen Gareth in a few days. Im a little worried about Emmy, I know this hit her hard. Just another day or two and we'll all be back to normal, whatever that may be.

Im trying..my heart just isnt in anything at the moment. I cant seem to feel either way, thought I am searching for it. Im not numb enough to pretend and I cant seem to embrace it enough to just let go..does that make sense? probably not....but then I dont really feel like anything makes sense right now. It'll pass..Im sure it will, just need a day or two is all.

I don't know, maybe I pretend better than I realise. The new room, I will hide there for a time...it's better than an escape to Ethucan. I ..wow..I dont even have the heart to write...

Best stop.

I ripped away two pages, never before I have chosen to discard my words. I figure, if I took the time to write them I must have felt them, but I was so far wrong this time I had to.

He is gone. Not just..Im taking a year off see you sometime, gone...but gone completely. I thought he would be back, maybe not for a while, but I thought, eventually, he would be back. I am so stupid. Even after all this time, after everything, I thought we shared a connection. I still cared..care for him. Yes we had our difference, lately we disagreed on many things and yes, there were moments where I was angry and frustrated, where I felt trapped and used; but I was just reacting. I didnt hate him, I never have and never could. Despite our differences, he is...was..a good man, with morals and standards, with enough love to share and the ability to share it. He was one of my closest friends, my bonded. I looked up to him. My last words to him were in anger, I will never forgive myself for that. I did not realise, not that that's an excuse. Had I realised my words would have been much more. Not the bitter words of angers bite, but the true words of friends and memories. I know he will never know and never hear what I have to say but, I have to say it. Or every tear I shed in regret is for nothing.

Tusonee, yes I have changed, I am different. Im not who you met, Im jaded, lost..Ive lost my respect and clouded my way. Im not the innocent you met who measured her worth in the eyes of the people watching her. Yes I have become wrapped...in my own worth, my own self. Yes, I have wronged, I have done things I know I never should have. Im sorry. We shared those sorries alot huh?

You are a good man, a man I loved and cared for, a man who in the end, did not just sit back and accept that which you could not change, but stood against it, in the only way you knew how. Im sorry I fought with you over what I know ..really...to be the truth. The lack of the Gods presense in the lands worries me also...and yes, I do wonder and worry about who I am talking to...and eventually yes, it will all be ruled by a few choice people alone. I do see it, but I wont give in to it..there must be some sort of hope.


I am sorry, I love you dearly. You were a good friend, a good warrior and a great man...even if I didnt always say it, even if I cursed you more in the last 3 months than any other man on Valorn...it did not mean I had changed how much I cared for you...only that right then, I was scared angry and hurt.

I will not forget..I will miss you...and above all...I am sorry.

I sat and watched for a long time, curled up tightly in the chair. Just watched as my mind wandered, the lavender twirling gently between my fingers as the scent drifted to assail my senses. Every so often the vibrant colour would draw my gaze, settling a smile I didnt know I had at my lips before I could think. Thieves, they steal more than you realise, everything you ever valued...or nothing you thought was any worth.

I want a place I can hide away, a place I can bury myself when I dont want to see anymore or think or feel or dream or hope, or anything.

Nowhere hides me from myself though.

I love the guild, I love them....to pieces, it's hard, we all work hard for it. Every one of them...and I appreciate it so much, they give me a home that I feel safe and comfortable in, I dont thank them enough for it.

So we are organising and thinking, scheming and plotting and hopefully it should be something good, fun and friendly for all.

He does talk too much, far too much...but, what he had to say was so honest and direct.. eventually. He said the word, I'll not lie..I was not expecting him to even mention it, but he did. I was shocked enough that it stole the words I was going to say from my tongue...I had to stop and rethink.

I dont think he was expecting me at all, well, or anything like it at all..and it took him by surprise. Though I am less confused and more relaxed about it, my fears rested more in trying not to confuse and upset him than in losing myself, I am still wary. I am a worrier by nature I guess. I slept on his words, with them swirling through my dreams and I woke to his presense, still there. I had expected him to run in the night and be gone with the shadows.

Winter is pulling in, autumn gone and the trees barren. The chill in the air fogs my breath as I sit in the halls, considering all that our beautiful guild has made..all my friends and family. I look to the east and think upon what wonders we could build in the glade, to the west and see the retreat my mind spins with all the possibilities. They deserve the best that I can give them, the best of me. While Tus rests, I can only hope I give them that, and bring them everything they need and want.

He read...then asked about my confusion, though..I doubt he wants real answers and in the end I felt foolish, as I knew I would. I can see three outcomes, two are fine as they are..either will be as fate decides...but the third..it's just a mixture of the other two..and thats when things get broken.

I am torn between what I feel and think. My head says...you are going to be a fool again and this is going to hurt. My emotions flit between ..many things, unfathomable..pulling away, exploring closer, letting it rest. Half his words speak volumes of possibilty and the other half speak of traps and snares..He pulls back even as he settles closer.

You cannot help but look at the future when it presents you paths to travel. One could be life, one death, another the heavens, another the shadows. I guess I am too analytical in nature...but then, he asked..I was happy to leave untold and unheard mysteries to the pages of my soul

In the end he is right..I know not what I want nor what to expect from life..so perhaps I should just stop thinking about it and live it....and leave the confusion to the crisp parchment of this little book

He twists my insides. I dance like a marrionette, my strings, the ones attatched to all the ..all the..twisted and tugged, pulled. Yesterday...yesterday there were so many words..he said he was.....until..and now ..what ...gods I am too scared to question him for fear of what it says about my own confused muddle emotions...another string pulled.

I dont trust my mind enough to make judgement and not leave myself the foolish enchantress once more.

I wish I had his instinct, perhaps then it would not catch me so by surprise. I want to touch it, to feel it, marvel at it...not just because I know the connection, though that helps. I want to not because it is beautiful or mystical, rare of valuable, but because it was given, and the act of giving itself is always the greater gift.

I have sat with it upon my lap for so long..neither with enough daring to lay my fingertips to the surface, or with enough will to lay it to one side...So I just stare, drinking in every texture. It calls to me, in lieu of that which I cannot see, as captivating as that which I cannot touch. I watch..just watch as words echo around my conscious, pulling at me, tugging...a war of thoughts and emotions...a battle of things I cannot begin to understand even though I search for some... thing....GAH, I think too much.

I am not a woman who values material worth, I never have been. I care little for platunum, less or trinkets, my treasures can be counted upon the fingers of one hand, and thought they amount to little in monetary terms...to me they bear untold wealth. Each one an eon of emotion, a well of memories.

He is a man of material things, as is his wont, though he knows where and how true wealth lies. He admires his trinkets and treasures, to have that hcih others do not..or more to the point, once had but now do not. When I ...borrowed...his book and read his thoughts, I will not lie..my smile dropped a little, I thought he meant me for just another treasure, if I may be so bold as to count myself as such. A dry chuckle coursed through me, what did I expect?..but maybe, just maybe...thats not it at all.

What draws me also pushes me, what gives also takes. What I long for I also resist. I am at war, at war with my body, at war with my senses, my mind my soul and my breath..dreams consume me, twist and fade into reality only to steal awy to dream again.

Once again I look upon the demon we name confusion, once again I stare in defiance, I will not be pushed and pulled by it's whim..nay. Confusion is but a glimpse in the passage of time, it will rage it's torrent throughout my life until such a time as the storm passes..and will leave no answers in it's stead.

Confusion is a thief in the night

Perfect, typical and just ..perfect

Bondings, seems like theres one every day. I suppose eventually, relationships naturally progress to it. To joining and expressing your love to the world. I guess I understand that, I am no exception to the idiocy...I was bonded myself. There is so much now, people bond..break up...three weeks later they are bonding their "one and only true love" ...The last one was supposed to be too huh?

Don't get me wrong..damn, I am the worst for it. I flit from admiration, to obsession, to attraction, to companionship and often to what I think is love.....I mess up so many times anyone would be a fool to become involved with me..this little book is testament enough to that. But bonding..theres a sanctity to it, a finality...yes, we make mistakes. In life mistakes are inevitable..but surely it takes more than a flitting few weeks to decide you can spend the rest of your days with that person and only them. To commit to the fact even though others may try for your affection, you uphold your love for them.

There are bondings I see and I know they will last, and I feel such a deep respect and yearning. There are others, so often started from the back of something else, two seconds out of the frying pan and already they are headlong into the fire. Whatever happened to the art of courtship? To teasing and allowing something to grow, to pass from attraction, to affection to companionship and eventually love.

Each to their own I guess, just because something differs from my opinion it doesnt make it wrong, it just makes it someone elses. Undoubtedly I will make more mistakes. I may have many more failed relationships, I may never bond again, irrelevant of what love I find in this life....while it remains such a fickle thing, nothing more than entertainment to the masses, I am not sure I want part of it at all.

So much for keeping him guessing. I am such the foolish enchantress at times.

It's Trips birthday today, he wont tell anyone at all unless I poke him I know it. I intend to make a fuss of him while I have the excuse to do it

Gareth is back, it was so good to see him, I missed him so much...yes, I am entirely selfish, but it was nice to alleviate my worries and make sure he was okay and well.
I was a little harsh with Andromeda earlier I think, I didnt mean to come across that way, but I was confused and a little disorientated about why I was in cerbies. I felt awful then, I didnt want to upset her..and every word I said just seemed to ring hollow. Gah

Im confused, again, how apt. I cant help being drawn, it scares me a little. How can I not be? The scent of lavender fills my mind, I can't think with it near, it clouds my judgement, stops my common sense..and lets be honest, I was not blessed in that area to begin with.

Tonights intrusion should keep him guessing for a bit, serves his right for confusing me.

It was blue...just..right there on the floor, BLUE. Honestly, blue!!! I think I blackedout for a bit. Im not sure. I took it to the statue, positive it would be a dupe..but NO!!! It was another completely useless portal...BUT, a new one!!

I wanted to invade again tonight..but I resisted... He will be sick of my lingering presence no doubt and I have caused him enough in the way of confusion for now I think. So I content myself with my little book of nonsense and random musings.

Amzer, ever forgiving, is speaking to me once again, it's ..good, though he hides how deep my words cut I think. We play at ignoring it..I apologised for my anger. I think he will spend his life hearing my apologies for my behaviour. Not often am I angry...careless, yes, foolish? always...but angry, well..not so often. He is reluctant to speak with me, but I do not blame him. He has opened up to me so many times and I have hurt him in return for each one of them.

Where is Gareth? Not seeing him is driving me mental, I have ..well I cannot remember the last time I havent talked to him in this long.. Im worried.

I have planted a little lavender at the edge of the baths, it sits at the bottom of one of the great oaks. The colour such a contrast to the deep browns of the bark, it draws my eye. Not that it wouldnt anyway..everytime I close my eyes I see it.

The book was crisp and clean, the pages showing no passage of time. I opened to the cover, as I had done so many times over that day. The script, clearly in a hand more used to weapon than quill, a slight pull of a letter here and there hinting at a pause for thought as the words drifted along the parchment. I read, my skin shuddered, my stomach tensed and my mind swirled, reeling through emotion to thought to confusion. I read words and re-read them until I had passed over every possible nuance, every possible conceivable meaning, then shook myself, discarded every thought and started over.
I should never have taken it, it served only to confuse me more I think. Where I was just lazily drifting through days with a smile, now my mind continuously returns to the words, or a touch or a...gah. As is wont with my life, I inevitably made a mistake, once he knew I had read I may as well be bold about my visit.
Birds, often I have shaped them, it's not a form I need to concentrate about concealing my three words for him. I figured I owed him that much, considering my blatant and audacious demand for his. It took me a long time to find just three I wanted to convey, it scares me to be too..open, and scares me to hold back too much, but I found three that were perfect and left them.

I havent seen Gareth in a few days, I am worried about him, I miss him..Amzer still hasnt spoken to me, not that I blame him in the least and Isaac...well..the gods only know where he has drifted to. I miss my sunshine, she never wakes anymore

okay, I think that may regret asking me now ...Im so not conventional, but I did warn them. Though it may just be the nerves, I really wanted them to enjoy it. I never quite know how to finish these things. I can hardly stand there and say .."by the power vested in me from the gods...blah blah" I mean, I am far from..hmm, clerical.

Well it was me, I put my words and my heart into it..and hopefully it was what they wanted, I mean truly. In their own hearts and minds, I hope it all rang home true to what they wanted. I was dubious about it....but am both proud and honoured they even considered me for the chance.

They look so happy right now, as I watch them...they couldnt shine any brighter no matter what I did. I just wish I could call my head back from the clouds and settle it at the task at hand.

I sneaked a peek at his book, I am surprised my fingers are still in tact, I expected traps of some sort..I would make such a poor roguess. Now I cannot concentrate

The scent to tempt you away
The breath you steal from my chest
The heat of the dancers at play
The blood of dangers caress

Ahh they led him a merry dance I hope..entertained him, allowed him to feel, if only briefly. Such seemingly simple things. Senses, breath, warmth and blood.. but they are real. Not like emotions we profess to have, but then change on a whim as we do with so many other things in life. They are the simple things that make a simple woman. Thats all I ever want to be, a simple woman that understands herself.

You know what made me think today? So often I have woken to the comforting knowledge that Gareth will be there, at some point throughout my day.....that we will share the days events and allow each other to vent or smile as is needed. He is my rock, my balance, the person I confide in, run to. He is the person that sees my tears, that hears my grief, the person that wipes them away.

Sometimes I dont know what I am missing in a day...today, it was seeing Gareth, sharing with him and talking..he is my diamond

Im a hard woman to like I think. I have many faults, which I have listed thoroughly at some point along the way. I do make alot of mistakes, lets face it, I say alot of things, but ...well, I do. However, to err is human...and as a very kind gentleman once told me..perhaps I am just a little more human than most.

Usually, I kick my vocal chords into gear without actually connecting them to the common sense area of my brain first, resulting in the usual..well. we've all said stupid things right? Can't just be me. I work on emotion..yes, yes I realise how idiotic that is but, what you cannot change you have to learn to live with. So I work on emotion and generally speaking, emotion is irratic by nature. Swift to change and fluctuate. What was said in anger and frustration one moment is hastily regretted the next...leading me to curse my god forsaken lack of common sense.

I guess it can make things very intense, I am driven by my feelings at the time, Im impulsive and often selfish, I do feel sorry for those that have to put up with my outbursts of..Celestialism??. So this would be an apology, firstly to Tusonee..for my recent lack of support and understanding..secondly to Gareth, just for being me and thirdly to Amzer, for losing patience and allowing my anger to reign.

Aside from that, he passed it back again. I worry that my recent issues, with myself..have caused him to do it. That the reasons he gave me are not entirely true.

My neck is still in tact, that has to be good. So I got the laugh and not the dagger. Yes it was cheeky, but I enjoyed being a little bold. He is curious, intruiging...captivating even. People like that always ..I cannot help but want to know them, explore what has me so interested. Yet again I left him something, for when he returns..I cannot help it...I like to surprise him and see the resulting smile. He is fun and carefree....I wish I was half of that.

To dance in the flickers of shadow
Free as a bird on the wing
The sway of the light, the taste of the night,
The faithful familiar sting

To breathe in the flickers of shadow
The blood to fill with it's trace
The nick of the blade, the thrill of the trade,
A swathe of twilight embrace

To dream in the flickers of shadow
The dove and raven at play
A murmur of beat, a whisper so sweet
A glance of the hunter and prey

To fight in the flickers of shadow
With words as soft as a sigh
A touch with the moon, a dance to it's tune
Hushed with the dawn of the sky

I care for him more than words can say, but life comes to a point when you have to tell hard truths, even though they are harsh..andperhaps I was harsh. It's not the first time I have wanted to say things though..so maybe the time was right.

In this book, in this little domain of mine, I can scream and shout, pout, cry, wallow, pity..whatever I wish, it's only for me..no one else has to deal with it nor suffer because of it. I can be selfish with it, I can write my true feelings, I can express my apathy, be alone if I want to. In this little book. Out in the world there are times and places to deal with your own demons, your own needs..and most of the time that isnt when you want to, or when you feel it.

Life is about making comprimises, it's about learning to hide things when there are more important things going on. It's about realising, life is not all you.

So my little book, it might seem vain and sefl centered, it might seem overly dramatic and self pitying. It might be filled to the brim with the tale of Celestias woe...but it's my book, my place I come to hide what I need to, when I know I cannot show it out there. So when I face the world I can face it with a smile I dont really feel, or a laugh I havent really got..and actually be of some use where and when it's needed.. Instead of constantly projecting my apathy to others, when the need and have their own demons to deal with.

Sometimes we have to hold back ourselves in order to help others. It doesnt make you a martyr, it merely makes you a compassionate and caring and tactful human. Besides, the best medicine for your own woe..is making another person smile for a while...

Trust me, it's like candy.

A little sacrafice sometimes means a better world. You dont have to shout about it, fall to the floor with your hand held against your head screaming about what a good deed you have done. Just, sit, smile to yourself..and know..that when you lay taking your last breaths, that one act of selflessness, will replay in your mind and make you smile.

So if I sound a little dramatic in my book, Im sorry..it's release...and sometimes we all need that

Gah, I suck at this stuff...hopefully it will all go well and they will be pleased, still..I guess in the end all that counts is they are bonded and happy. Why the ask me I hve no idea..there are so many GOOD choices..

I stole something he said to me, something that caught me and I realised how true it was. It is what love should be, what I want from love..so hopefully, they will understand it when I say.

a love where your two lights make your world shine brighter not one where your light becomes their light, one where you both shine and consume each other yet still remain your individual strength, your cores

I changed it a little, but seen as it's a stolen line I wanted to at least acknoledge my plagiarism

Well, what can I say..it'll be, in the very least, ....unconventional

And another, Shirila left me..she..well, something to hold for her until she returns. I hope it's soon, I hope they are both back soon. None of the if's.

Im not confusing, IM NOT..weird, yes I will grant that, eccentric? Well yes, probably. Boring, perhaps..predictable..um, maybe. Pendantic, demanding and obnoxious..on occasion. But not confusing.

Im conducting an experiment. Just, for scientific purposes, and just because I need to. Only for a day, just to find out, maybe it will explain a few things to me. Maybe I will keep a count for a few days.

I was just thinking about how long I have been here, it seems like such a long time. I was so young..naive..when I first stepped onto these lands.

Todays count is 7 for 5

Amzer has gone for, I dont know how long..maybe a day or two, maybe longer. He left me something, to hold for him until he gets back. He's such a sweet man, I hate to see him hurting so much, I do not help matters in the least.

Impatience, I am one of lifes most impatient people. Im twidling my thumbs, farming, I am actually farming. All because the lady loves ...no no , Im only joking. All because I have done something, left something, and want, no need, a response to it. Waiting kills me. I am so impatient. GAH

I take that back, Trip is a little git! Dang rogue, stop laughing at ME!

Trip is fantasmical, I love him to bits..fluffy lil rogue as he is, he's a good guy, the best type of friend. I spent time with the wolf, dreaming as he calls it. I forget how charming he can be when he smiles and laughs, I miss him, the real him..when he loses himself.

So I was cheeky, at least...I thought I was. I am assuming I will either get a dagger to my throat or a full booming laugh when he finds it but..we shall see. I am extrememly curoius to know his answer. I have asked the question of many people, to varied and intriguing replies, and I know he is honest...bluntly so. I will get a true picture. If the word confusing comes up in any way shape or form I think I will scream...

I cant be that bad, surely

Stupid annia journals, stupid violet crystals...farm all morning and manage sod all worthwhile..GAH. So much for today being a day of good things

You know...today, all I have to say is. It's good to feel vivacious, to have a little flair in life. Hopefully, today is a day of good things. A day for dancing and laughter, for learning something new. A day to plan, but get nothing done..

Thi is the last few days of the festival no? Perhaps I shall enjoy it while I can.

I fear I have overstepped a mark perhaps, though I do not see how, but I may have, we shall have to wait and see. Still, we talked..honesty always the best of policies. An understanding, though he makes me a little afraid...of myself perhaps. Whats another mess though huh? It would be irony indeed if tables turned for me. Hmm, it settles a wry smile at my lips just to think it.
I left a gift, though it was not something I had made, dang I would not know where to start, at least the design was mine, each little piece meant to make the whole. He brings that from me somehow, I dont know why...curious...but I would like to see him smile, I think. Perhaps a little gift will help.

Arguements and animosity, I dont have the energy for it anymore. I just want to live free and happy, help where I can, be what I may, look after my guildmates and loved ones and leave it at that. Thats all my little heart desires, smiles and laughs...the rest is ashes.

Ahh Kismet, what is destined will be, what isnt shall pass. Hopefully along the way I wont falter too much more..though inevitably I shall fall a time or 20 before I finally make something good. We live in hope, even if we die in despair.

Every word pushes me, every situation grates at me. Each little thing, is just another little thing to add to the multitude of reasons why. An idle comment made in jest...after all this time, does he really know me at all? Everything we have been through and such an ...innocent thing, can cause his reaction.

Every week it's something else, the repercussions are felt by everyone, not just me. Tension can be the downfall of everything. If one idle comment can start something, what happens when we all have a bad day together? I work hard, I try hard..most of the time. What for? More drama? Like I dont create enough of my own damn drama without adding to it.

Perhaps it was all innocence and tired minds

GAH. Did I define that yet? No?..well it's self explanatory anyway, so if you can't understand it...gah. Why is life so hard? Why am I so ..inept at it? What causes me to screw it up so fantastically? I see other people, breezing through life with hardly a hitch, never having to stop and start again. I totally suck at life, can I switch to another subject? Something I might actually pass?

I do understand why ..I think, he did it. But it just doesnt excuse not talking to me about it. At all...and then subsequently, inadvertantly blaming me for it. Gah.

It's....curious..how some people leave me so breathless. On occasion, just the sight of someone, just to look at their eyes, will steal my thoughts and send my senses reeling. How are you supposed to keep your wits about you, when you can be so easily...distracted.

How are you supposed to keep things from becoming messy, when the mess looks so good? It's wrong to, we know it is, wrong to contemplate it, let alone start it...yet we cannot resist. I have talent for making a mess, and none for cleaning it up.

Nothing is ever sharp and defined, everything always a blur, always distorted. I'm always struggling against..myself..my decisions, my feelings, my soul, my heart...always trying but never accepting. GAH, I have issues. I should come with an issues warning..

Caution!! This device is known to be slightly defective. May make a mess of everything. Interact at your own risk. Please use safety goggles and gloves when handling

Warriors, the bane of my life.

So..regaining at least the barest sense of my dignity, damn men and their ability to make me blush, I am once again left ..wondering.

What hides in a shadow? In it can be anything or nothing, no? Hiding in a shadow could be everything you ever desired to see, nothing you ever thought existed, more than you could ever have imagined...or it could just hide a bare wall. Who would dare to look into a shadow, search all it's depths? Seek what lurks there? Every step you take into its darkness, as it bathes your skin, only serves to make you more curious, more aware of it.

Without a source of light, we cannot cast a shadow. So, it begs the interest...where is the light? Light and dark...their dance like that of the sun and the moon. Always searching, always longing for each other, so close and yet so far away?

It is said, that once or twice an eon, the sun and the moon shall come together and descend from the heavens to dance upon the earth, their child, and all of life shall rejoice

I bloody hope so.

Anyway, I miss the cleric...it would seem sleep has finally taken him from me. Alas, life is what it is..hopes, dreams and wishes will not bend the course of time and fate.

Gods there was more...I...w...I cant even write.

You don't get it do you Cel. I love you, not despite your flaws, but because of them. They are all a part of what makes you so special. Yes cel. The way you never drink your ale when you are with me, the way you care about everyone so much. Every little part of you come together to make the most enchanting woman i have ever met Cel. That is why i love you.

You should never be ashamed of what you are Cel. I know you do not believe what I say, and you think i am biased, but I am not the only one to think it. Someday you will realise how wonderful you are Cel, and i want to be there, to see how much brighter you will shine.

Sometimes he is so guarded, I am used to his guarded nature...then somtimes his just ..he just.. I blushed...alot, I never blush. I dont even know where I am. I've just wandered..somewhere, watching the stars...dangit.

I think he hit his head while training, and now he has some kind of disease..or concussion. That explains the stars thing. I should get him a cleric, but he will only protest. I'll have to do it while he's sleeping.

I ...I dont think anyone has ever spoken to me ..I..have no words to say. He just took my breath completely

I have always been a simple rogue...a wolf lost in the shadows. A wolf that one day looked too high and saw a star. He foolishly fell in love with the star and would do anything he needed to to be with it. But then he realised, a wolf and a star could never be. He could never soar with the stars, and would never want to bring her down to the shadows. But every day he watched that star and cared for it like it was his own. he will always watch over that star. Doing everything he can to ensure it stays shining brightly up in the sky.

Too much love will kill you - Perhaps. I have come to the conlusion that love, as curious as it is..it just, Im defective with it. So many chances have slipped my by because I cannot understand it. Oh I have loved, a time or two, but to such varying degrees and in such different capacitites. When I look back, perhaps it wasnt love at all..perhaps just...gah, perhaps I think too much.

There we are though, I can question it. Does that in itself mean I have never felt it? No I dont think so, I feel it now. I think I am just, no matter how much I try, I'm not bound by it in the same way as others are. Does that make me a bad person? A harvester of hearts? Does it truly matter whether you do things intentionally or that they happen due to your own innate flaws? Either way the outcome remains the same.

I want to be bound by it, I want to have the everlasting love story. The one none of us actually believe in, but in reality, everyone wants that depth of feeling for someone. Whether you think so or not..emotions crave use. The whole range. They crave it, to the extremes. I want to love so that I never look back, love like I have never lived before. Love until my breath is stolen from my body, my soul left in tatters and my mind wanders the fields of elysium.

To belong to someone so fully that you fly free. To be known and understood so completely, to be touched even when there is no one there to do so. To be wrapped in my own emotion, my own contentment. To taste, to feel, to touch, to see, to dance, to move, to breathe, to....

Wake up and realise...there is just no such thing. Does it all boil down to the fact I am waiting on something that will never come..and in doing so, holding myself at bay...never giving freely. What a pitiful state of affairs...it's a fool who tries to catch moonlight in a jar.

Too much love will kill you, because it takes away your faith.

MUH- interjection used to denote, frustration, disinterest, ennui, concession, listlessness, pessimism, surliness, apathy and in some cases, yearning caused by absense
Synonyms - Bah, bleugh, gah, meh, sigh, whatever, blast
Antonyms - yay, sweet, indubitably, huzzah, woohoo

It's a good word..it's one of those completely irrelevant sounds that expresses such a variety of emotions

BLEUGH - interjection used to denote displeasure and or disinterest at an occurance or conversation. Colloquially means - Dont be so smug, stop being so right, I can't hear you, if you are going to gloat do it where I'm not, I refuse to believe you on the grounds that you're a git.
Synonyms Go away, Im not listening, sod off, whatever, meh
Antonyms Yep, yeah, you got it, sure thing, naturally

Another one of those exceptional words..it's so nice to find one word that encompasses a whole range of moods.

So, you may be wondering why I chose to define those?

MUH and BLUEGH to everything!!!!!

Sod it all! I dont know why I bother to make the effort..

Today already sucks

So you need something? What? if you dont know how am I supposed to? Will I ever have it? Will I ever be what you want, need? So the book isnt about you...does it matter? You know who I am, you know all my faults, all my fears, all my sins. You think you can cope with that? Who am I to argue...you either will or you wont. You dont listen to my words, I cant change your mind. You wont take what I offer, you want what you dream of.

What irks you? That I write words and they arent centered around what you want? Im tired of this, tired of games and foolishness. It's there, you want it? Take it...demand it..make it so. Challenge it, make it yours, captivate and hold it...fight for it, dont wait for it.

What happened to romance? What happened to fire? Where did we leave passion and replace it with words. It's an uphill battle huh? Always up, never quite reaching the top. So what? you stop half way and settle at the wayside? Theres entertainment there, a fair enough view..who needs to see the top when you are content there?

I wouldnt blame you, many a brave soul was conquered by unclimbable terrain.

So much happened that I wanted to vent about so many things that either shocked me to my core, or warmed my heart that I coudnt...didnt have the words to express it. Even after a full nights rest I am still so completely torn.

It..astounds me..leaves me breathless, at how some people can base their own happiness on upsetting others. I have a sadistic nature when inclined, but I am not, never have been and Never will be, intentionally hurtful to peoples feelings when I have no place to be there at ALL. How does a persons self esteem drop so low that the only way they can gain a small spark is to ignite agony in another. I pity it..pity it to my core. I was angry yesterday..so angry I could not form words to think, let along speak. How DARE someone use me in that way, use my name, my experiences. It's sickening....I feel so sorry for them, what a shallow waste of life, it must all taste like dust and ashes.

It infuriates me more that someone can make me feel so ...I wanted to shout, scream..hurt things. I hate that someone can make me feel that way..can turn me into the very thing I despise so much. In the midst of that people just shine.....Trip, Pers, Gareth, Shir, Amzer, Abra, Shawna...they reminded me who I am..just their time, just the moments spent idly with them. They saved me from my own anger without even knowing and I love them for it...

Without the people who shine so much in my life, I would be nothing...without you, I am nothing.

The realm of valorn, was twisted and torn...
But into the darkness a 'chantress was born.
She walked from the shadows and ignited the light....
That conquered the gloom and shattered the night.
With wisdome and wit and the raise of a brow....
She floats through our lives and shows us somehow;
That life is worth living so
We all should be giving...
Praise and respect as clear as a bell...
To the perfectly powerful, Transparently transendent, marviously maginificent Cel!!!
Just Cel

You just gotta love Pers. He's perfect

A dream to be moons' mortal kin,
In black of night to hide therein
The salt of tears, the shame of sin,
Lost as moonlight bathes the skin.

Whispered words on bated breath,
The dance to set with hidden depth,
Ease the soul with each new step,
We dance with life, to smile with death

To taste the silver, touch the blue
The soft caress of midnight hue
From sweetened kiss of heavens view
To wicked lure of hells debut

I swear, somedays I just dont know what happens. It starts with craziness, filled with intermittent mental moments, to be followed with a thorough culmination of complete absurdity. I wake to just...phew...and by 18 marcs into the day I dont know the difference between up and down.

I had a conversation with the warrioress last night, regarding the nature of love. You would think that by now, the realisation that you cannot analyse what is just so...diverse, would have struck me and I would have quit trying, but alas...I was never particularly wise.

But all people are different, and you cannot judge their concept of love by your own. Just because you cannot understand something, does not make it wrong. I dont believe in love at first sight, it's a fallacy..for me. That doesnt mean it cant happen for someone else...just that, I know I will never feel it.

I have been captivated by people, people who intrigue me beyond measure within a moments conversation. People who ...without realising it, just call to you, leaving your yearning to know and experience more. Thats not love, not for me...it's curiousity mixed with a little desire for the unknown. I am not sure WHAT love is, or if it's even describable.

I do not know how you can capture a heart on a mere breath...to me it sounds like a dream, but I am sorry...sorry if I sound incredulous when it's described to me..Love is a word so easily thrown and hardly ever meant.

I shall invade there again I think, though next time it will not be such a passing visit. It's curious how some things make us feel so alive.

Shawna is... I have missed her so much, I forget sometimes, the important people. I get so cnsumed with my own ...crap...that I forget to give the people who deserve my time their due. She is just...captivating